By Esther: Below is the list of some of the reasons on why people have a tendency to choose Mr or M/s Bad.
LIKE A CHALLENGE.
There are many young people who find the nice person down right boring. They refer instead the bad girl/boy. Often when asked why? You are likely to receive the reply “I like a challenge”. They seem to think that they can change this person and it tends to make their life more exciting.
What they are really attracted to in another is sometimes based on something unresolved or unexpressed within themselves. Compliant “Good Girls: have a tendency to judge as “Bad” and there-fore disown their rebellious side – so they team up with Mr Bad instead. Often in an effort to be approved of, they are always pleasing others and behaving as they are expected to behave. They then project the Rebel outwards and end up attracting Mr or M/s who will carry that energy for them. In some deep secret way we fear that we are a challenge. As we come to peace within our-selves, our attraction to the bad boy/girl wanes and then we wonder how we ever thought that we could be with that person.
The real challenge is to get to know yourself, explore the inner recesses of your own being and take responsibility for what it is that you have attracted into your life.
CONDITIONING: EARLY ROLE MODELS
Whether we love or they drive us around the bend, our first caregivers who are usually our parents are our original and most influential role models. So often you will hear people say “I will never be like my name or parent and yet the older we get the more we become exactly like that parent! If we do not make the conscious effort to make on ourselves we are very like to emulate our parents like it or not. Chances are we will not even know why we are doing certain behaviour patterns until we do some type of therapy. The behaviours are so ingrained in us that they are invisible to us because it is what seems ‘normal’. It is a bit like having a plane on “automatic pilot”.
Without any type personal development training, we are likely to choose a partner who is very similar or even just like one of our parents and this is likely to be a romantic partner. It may be dysfunctional, but all it also oh so familiar and therefore comfortable at the beginning of the relation-ship.
FALLING IN LOVE WITH POTENTIAL
Most of us when we fall in love with a person, we are often able to discern the potential that exists within our beloved. The problem here is that we fall in love with the idea of the potential rather than the active person as they are right now, this minute. This is all very well, but unless we can love what is right in front of us now, we are in for a long and difficult journey because some people DO NOT reach the potential within and therefore that leads to disappointment. Now here another question “What is disappointment” – “UNFULFILLED EXPECTATIONS”. Here an additional problem – it means that one person in this relationship has entered it with what is called “An Agenda” and whilst it true that we all do – up to a point. The problem is when you are expecting someone else to comply with your agenda instead of loving the person for who they are today. This can lead to a lot of resentment inside relationships.
There are some people who have a strong need to rescue others believing that, if they just if this person had their help, they would be able to achieve all the greatness within them. Generally, res-cuing others, no matter how good one’s intentions are, is a messy business and in some cases the rescuer is actually doing more damage such as in the case of attempting to rescue someone with an addiction regardless of which form that addiction takes. The rescued usually end up resenting their rescuer, and then blame them if anything goes wrong.
Here a little quiz below that you may like to have a look at to see if in fact you are a RESCUER and suffers this syndrome.
Telling yourself that your beloved just needs a little more time to get themselves and their life together and you are constantly doing this every few months.
Telling yourself that no one has ever really loved your beloved enough and that you will be the one enough to change her or him.
Feeling that everyone else misunderstands your beloved and that only you know the “real” person inside. Perhaps it is a case of Beauty and the Beast.
Making excuses to your friends and family about why your beloved either isn’t treating you well or isn’t doing well for her/himself.
Feeling that you can’t give up on this person and leave because it will just validate their feelings of worthlessness and then they will never change.
Convincing yourself that, even though your beloved doesn’t give you that piece of themselves and their heart, what they does give you makes it worth staying in the relationship.
Answer more than 4 YES to the above and you do indeed have a problem.
If you are being treated disrespectfully by other person, then instead of trying to change them you need to change yourself by rising your self-respect and esteem. It is often miraculous what happens when a person start to respect themselves. Suddenly others start to change their behaviour towards us and life become far more pleasant. As Dr. Phil on the T.V. – “We actually teach people who to treat us”. Now it’s time to teach them to stop treating us with disrespect and with respect instead.
IN TOO FAST & TOO DEEP
Often loneliness and the need for love along with the desire to merge with another human being can lead us to make hasty decisions when choosing a partner instead of taking our time in getting to know a person the modern tendency to be jump into a sexual relationship at the drop of a hat. There is also often a major confusion between the three “L” Words. Like, Love & Lust. Like is for friendship. Love is more spiritual and lasting. Lust you can’t mistake it is the hots often with a quick burnout. Beside the major medical issues, we need to ensure that we are practising self-love first and foremost along with self-respect in our sexual activities.
Sexual involvement brings, with it a host of emotional and psychological issues that can cause us to become entangled long before we really know that person we are engaged sexually with.
By practising a little more restraint in the early stages and enjoying the rituals of a good old fashion flirtatious courtship, we can then deepened the eventual ecstasy of a sexual union that is also given with genuine love.
All the best,