Since the dawn of time mankind has found it virtually impossible to be loyal and monogamous while in a relationship. Lying and cheating have contributed to the abandonment issues millions deal with on a daily basis and for many it erases any possibility of ever trusting someone again. I have counseled thousands of people who have lost their spouse, mate or significant other to another person and the one thing I hear from all of them is, “I had a feeling”.
So why when all the signs are there do people avoid looking at them and why do people cheat to begin with? The psychology of both of these elements is eye-opening.
Most overlook the signs they are getting about a cheating spouse because of fear. They fear loss, they fear hurt, abandonment, embarrassment and many women in particular, fear the loss of financial stability. Others simply disregard the signs of cheating because they go into denial or simply don’t wish to deal with the drama or aftermath of discovering that betrayal was right under their noses.
The reasons people cheat on each other are numerous; some do it for attention or to feed a wounded place within, such as insecurity, powerlessness or ego, while others cheat because they unhappy with themselves and need validation. Some men have told me that they just wanted some “variety” and of course my reply was, “Then why did you get married to begin with?” I have counseled some who cheated just simply to make their spouse jealous and others who have done it just to see if they can get away with it. You’d be surprised at how many people love playing games with the hearts of others. It reeks of sinister and is mean-spirited. If you get one of those type souls, consider yourself lucky to be out of the relationship.
I have heard every argument over the years on why someone cheated on their mate and frankly it boils down to character, a sever lack of it and an even more severe lack of respect for themselves or their current spouse. The irony is that most who cheat or betray another usually wind up alone. Karma alone is something to factor in…it always comes back and usually more magnified. It seems like such simple arithmetic; “if you don’t want it done to you don’t do it to another!” Wouldn’t love be remarkable if everyone lived by that simple concept?
So how do you know if your mate is cheating on you? Well here are just a few signs which should help you ferret out the deception. There are many more ways to tell but these are a good place to start.
1. If you think they are cheating, they probably are unless you are incredibly paranoid. Most people know instinctively when infidelity is living in their own house. If you have to ask the question in your mind, your gut is all but screaming at you.
2. Look for obvious signs like the air of perfume on his shirt or cologne on her blouse. Also note if your mate suddenly changes cologne from the one they have been using for years to a new or stronger one. I have found that it is a clear indicator that they are trying to attract another.
3. A change in appearance or diet. Amazing how obvious this sign is; your mate suddenly begins dieting or working out excessively or they dye their hair, buy new ‘hipper” clothes or change their haircut.
4. Erratic behavior is easy to identify. If they work late a lot or change their gym schedule or other routine, you might just have a cheating spouse. Any change in routine should be considered as a sign if you have to adapt to it.
5. Social media accounts; you would be surprised how many people are in social media just so they can troll for women or men and you would be surprised how many are dumb enough to send private messages flirting with others. If they have secretive passwords on their accounts and don’t want you knowing what they are beware. Also beware if your mate sets up a new email account and doesn’t tell you about it or spends a lot more time online checking their email or social media accounts. Excessive use of the internet is a clear indicator. If they are erasing their search history or shut down the computer when you enter the room, you may want to consider spyware.
6. Cell phone hiding; many who cheat, text or sext a lot so this one is simple. If you notice unusual behavior such as taking his phone with him to the bathroom or hiding it under his pillow at night, you may just have a cheating spouse.
7. His/Her behavior toward you changes; less sex, less conversations, resentment, blame, more agitation, more defensive remarks, which indicates guilt, and more put downs. People who cheat usually get defensive very easily because they figure if they can fight with you over something stupid you won’t guess they are cheating. They also tend to put their spouse down with insults and verbal abuse because they are so unhappy.
8. When your spouse is suddenly TOO NICE to you. Unexpected small gifts or more attention can be signs of masking or covering up their feelings of guilt.
9. One of the most obvious ways to determine if your spouse’s heart is no longer with you is they walk differently. I am a huge fan and believer in body language and many signs can be discovered by observing body language. A person who is in a relationship usually walks on the streets or through stores making very little eye contact with the opposite sex. Someone who is no longer interested in their relationship walks like a single person, shoulders back, making eye contact with the opposite sex and even smiling or nodding at strangers.
10. Excuses are a natural defense mechanism and those who cheat are usually full of them. They have an excuse for their odd behavior, their change in credit cards or passwords, for working late or needing to be online late at night, etc.
I have also noted in my years of counseling others that men who look at pornography are usually either cheating or thinking about cheating. As they become more and more desensitized they need more and more sexual stimulation, if they are not getting it from you, they will find a way to satisfy the animal within. If he or she begins asking for kinky sex or they suddenly have a new “trick” to show you in the bedroom, it is probably because they have just learned it from another.
In the end, follow your gut feelings and don’t ignore them. Most people if they are NOT cheating will certainly understand your emotions and concern and will set your mind at ease. Remember you cannot make anyone love you or want to be with you and no amount of begging, hounding or cajoling will convince someone to be loyal to you if their heart is just not with you anymore. Use your head and realize that if someone cheats on you once, they WILL cheat again. It is rare when that is not the case. Don’t settle. There are many people walking mother earth who will gladly be loyal and devoted, you just may have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince or princess.
If you would like to know more about how to detect deception or you want to know if your mate is cheating on you, get in touch with me. Don’t waste any more time on guessing. Wishing you a loyal and true relationship.
Love and blessings,