By Gertrude: As a psychic medium, I seem to attract Empath clients who are involved with people who are abusive and have narcissist traits. In my experience, women who are in abusive relationships with someone like that also come from a dysfunctional family. Often it is difficult to identify the abusive parents as they will go to great lengths to appear to be “the good guy”.
Over the coming weeks, I will be writing a series for those of us who want to learn how to walk away from an abusive relationship.
Each chapter will deal with a trait and insight into how to identify a narcissist. It’s important to know the difference between an authentic narcissist and someone who has traits. Narcissism is a mental health disorder. It is often set apart by violent acts and bitter acts of revenge. It is difficult to treat in a medical sense or even with therapy.
As a result of professional experience, I have chosen to concentrate on the narcissist mother.
Chapter 1. Favorites and Scapegoats
Commonly narcissistic mothers will have a scapegoat and a favorite. Depending on the child’s behavior, and in moving through the stages of emotional maturity and comprehension. This can change.
The scapegoat can do nothing right and the golden child can do no wrong. Everything revolves around the golden child. While it might seem that being the golden child is an advantage, it’s not. The scapegoat will generally be the one most likely to fall under the command of her mother. And may very well in turn become the favorite.
It is a slippery slope and the older the child gets, it becomes even more confusing. It will be common that at some point if the golden child doesn’t appreciate being abused, they will become the scapegoat. So the situation regarding playing favorites is fluid. It can change without the golden child or scapegoat being let in on the change of status.
When we have a relationship with a narcissistic mother/loved one we will find that there is a division in the family. In general, you will find that there is a deep rivalry from the scapegoat. This ensures the family ties fracture. That way all communication is through the narcissist. They feel they are in control. They will lie to each of the siblings about each other and foster distrust. Within the family dynamics there will be hate amongst the siblings, or towards the narcissist.
What is also common is that all of your relationships will be undermined.
For many Empaths they find that they have irreparable damage done with siblings, children, parents, friends and family members.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
The narcissist will shout and in general angrily protest their love for you. But in a put down, say they don’t like who you are.
As an adult now, you can see how your need to be loved has led to remarkable mistakes in romantic and interpersonal relationships.
No matter how overwhelmed you are, or dire the situation you are in. Understand that you are in control of how you feel. If you have a narcissist in your life no matter what the situation or relationship. Now is the time to step aside from the narcissist.
When dealing with narcissistic traits or a narcissist it is important to find someone you can talk to. No matter where you are in the world you will have access to free advice. Life Line, The Samaritans, Red Cross etc: can be accessed online or by phone.
Please give me a call if you have a question about a current situation in your life. Or if you would like to have some clarity around a family situation.
All the best,