By Annelize: Dear friend, I thought moving on was easy, but every time I find myself alone and drowning in my sorrows. I want you to feel and understand what I am going through, but you are on the outside, and you will never know what is happening inside my mind, my heart and my body and sometimes not even my life. Whether I am going through a break-up, having an illness, lost someone or whether just going through a difficult time in life.
I often depend on others too much for keeping me going, to comfort me, to be there for me, but during the storm we are all alone, I am alone. Even if I share all my deepest secrets, my fears, my heart ache with you, you can never feel how I feel. You cannot experience my heartache, as you were never in my shoes. Even if you did go through a similar situation, yours will never be the same as mine. Different circumstances, different people, different reactions etc.
I am very thankful for you being here for me, I am so glad I have someone that cares about me, like you do. But you also keep telling me to move on, telling me the person is just full of shit, can’t you see it? Or it is time to look at the future, life goes on. Please try to know that I cannot see what you see yet, being inside the situation makes one look differently, perhaps only seeing it one way, instead of the rational way you are looking at it. Please be patient and know that I am healing and trying to heal as fast as I can, but I am not there yet. I am going for therapy, I am making time for myself, but it still hurts. It hurts like hell when I am alone. I try to keep busy; I try to be distracted. Some days are better than others. I cannot just move on; I cannot just let this fall off me like an old jacket. It is pieces of my body ripping apart, I must tear them off and leave them, it’s like a caterpillar inside the cocoon that needs to shed so many layers before becoming a butterfly.
What you don’t realize is that I am so afraid of what will enter out of this cocoon, will it be good, will I be able to live with that? Losing a part of yourself hurts like hell, but it must be done to move forward. Being ripped apart, not because I chose to, but because this is part of the lessons I must learn in this life. Not being a victim, but becoming a victor. I cannot patch my body, my heart, the broken pieces that lays in front of me. When looking in the mirror, I am not sure what I see, as only a small part looks like me, where did the rest go. The deepest parts of me, shaken, torn, broken. Trying to fill that pieces with anything at hand.
Sometimes your words hurt me as I feel that I should know better, I am an adult, I am supposed to know what to do, what to experience and why am I just waiting so long? Just move on. It is not so difficult. I sometimes feel like a child, that must listen to these adults that just know better than me, but I cannot! I must fight this battle, the battle inside me, parts of me I must fight, conquer and slay to be able to move forward. Even though I would love for someone else to do this for me, I must do it. I need to heal and move on. I have to move at my time, when I am ready, when I am healed and ready.
Thanks again for always listening, for your support and input, but please know even if I want to do everything you tell me to do, which I know is good wisdom, I have to wait till I am ready to overcome that obstacle. I understand you get frustrated, you get angry, you get sad for me, as you want to help, but you can’t. I understand you wanting to help me get over this as soon as possible. But all I can ask for is for patience from your side. I do listen, and I wish I could just heal overnight, but I need more time. Please understand moving on is a slow process… Always thankful for every moment you are here for me. Just being here is enough already, forever thankful for your friendship.
Love and Light,