By Angelica: In my career as an intuitive guide and counselor, I have seen how many of my clients equate a break up of a relationship to still being in love. However, the real truth is that love plays (surprisingly) only a small part in the pain of a breakup.
The shock, rejection and often times ensuing depression felt after getting dumped is due to a combination of deeper factors (and not just one — love, which most people think it is). All these reasons often come together to form the pain you are feeling.
Below are five reasons why breakups hurt so much and interestingly, none of these have to do with “love” for your ex. They, in large part to do with you and the way your mind works.
- Anxiety about the future.
Often people doubt whether they can find another relationship after a break up or cannot face the idea of being alone. While these feelings are normal, constantly worrying about the future can cause a lot of pain. Therefore, that part of the pain has to do with anxiety, not love for your ex. If you were to find someone new in the near future, you would no longer have to feel this anxiety about the future.
- Negative emotions.
Often people depend on their relationship as a means of security. This can happen if there is a poor connection with family, friends or colleagues, so they rely on their boyfriend or girlfriend for comfort. If someone has a co-dependent relationship (and a lot of people do) a breakup can be more devastating.
After a breakup, instead of thinking that your ex was ‘the One’ it could help to realize you allowed yourself to become overly dependent on just one person for your emotional well-being. It could be a lesson to develop stronger relationships with friends and family and not depend on just one person. This shows that you don’t love your ex as such, but only love what they provided you with—comfort.
- Pride is hurting.
Rejection normally hits our pride and when that hurts, we feel pain. Again, the important thing to realise is that this pain has nothing to do with your ex; it has to do with you and your pride being hurt. If you can make this differentiation early on, you will recover much more quickly. Releasing a wounded ego means you regain control over your emotions and any pain associated with the ex.
- Confidence has taken a blow.
Being dumped often knocks around your self-confidence, particularly if that person has self-image or self-worth issues. You may think your partner has broken up with you because you’re ugly or boring. You could also become anxious about what others think about why you broke up. These thoughts can cause pain, but if you detach from these issues, you will realise that part of your pain is caused by confidence issues, not your ex. Some people make the mistake of thinking you can “fix” confidence issues by getting back with the ex. This does not fix the problem, but merely puts a band aid on any confidence issues.
- Life routines have changed dramatically.
After a breakup, you normally lose certain routines you used to do together. You will no longer have someone to sit down to watch Netflix on the weekends or have them text you last thing at night. Losing these routines causes pain, but again, this pain is not inherently related to your ex. You will have these routines again with your next partner. The important thing to remember is it’s this loss of routine that is causing you pain, not love for your ex.
It’s never easy to endure a breakup and many of us resist having to face the pain and loss. However, if you can be a little more honest and mindful of the types of things that can cause pain immediately after a breakup, you can reduce the hurt more quickly, which in turn allows you to get over a breakup.
When you accept the fact that love plays only a small role in the way you feel, it will be easier to regain control over your emotions.
Blessings, Love and Light,